These are the things you need to know.
So you want to watch the Preakness Stakes but don't know much about horses or horse racing? Don't worry. Learn up:
1. Horses hate pigs.
2. If a horse wins the Triple Crown it becomes President of the United States. Don't root for California Chrome unless you want ANARCHY.
3. The horses are actually allowed to compete in cars, they just don't have the intelligence or the dexterity to operate them.
4. What are the horses running from? Their criminal pasts, mostly.
5. The horses would rather those guys not sit on them.
6. If you offered the horses the opportunity to wear pants, most of them would accept and the ones who refused would be shunned by their peers.
7. Horses don't get paid to race because they would spend all the money on stupid horse stuff.
8. If any of the horses get scratched from the race due to "flu-like symptoms," that really means they're hungover.
9. Some of the horses are friends in the offseason.
10. Horses' favorite things, ranked: 1. Horse food 2. Horse sex 3. Tasteful wedding decorations.
11. Horses don't use the word "hamstring" because they hate pigs so much. They call that part of the anatomy the "hatepig."
12. After racing, the horse eats the jockey's weird little jockey hat.
13. Why don't the horses wear sneakers?
14. "Monster horses" are horses whose legs have been jacked up on comically high suspensions. They are not eligible to compete at the Preakness Stakes.
15. Chocolate milk comes from horses.
16. It's not about which horse is fastest. It's all about which horse wants it the most.
17. A horse is just a tall, arrogant deer.
18. It is illegal for horses to bet on horse racing.
19. Horse field events like horse javelin and horse discus haven't caught on for some reason.
20. The horses in the main Preakness event gossip about the other horses. Oh boy, do they gossip.
21. Who is the heaviest racehorse of all time? I don't know, look it up on Google.
22. The horses get style points if they execute tricks like spins and flips, but they never try because horses are cowards.
23. Number of horses who have been to the moon: Zero, so far.
24. There is a bikini contest at the Preakness but the horses aren't allowed to compete. 2014, and we still have so far to go.
25. The horse that wins the Preakness gets to go to Disney World.
And now you know about horses. If you know more horse facts, feel free to add them.