Just another day in the morally sound universe of ABC’s hit franchise!
Welcome to Sports Bachelor Nation. I, your host, Charlotte Wilder, must apologize for leaving you in the lurch last week. MLB All-Star weekend was in Miami, and I was covering it, which means last Monday night I watched the Home Run Derby instead of TheBachelorette.
Now, I know that I’ve gone on this whole crusade to convince you all that this stupid show is sports, and it is. [*Extremely Stephen A. Smith voice*] HOWEVER: When presented with the option of witnessing Aaron Judge crush 13,000 home runs in four minutes or having to suffer through Rachel’s predictable dates with a bunch of boring-ass dudes for two hours, I will always — always — choose the dingers.
Rachel was at All-Star weekend, it’s worth noting, but she did not respond to my tweets asking if she wanted to hang out. I tried. And I’m sorry to have failed you.
Fortunately, I don’t feel like we missed much on this journey together, since Adam and Matt were the two dillweeds who Rachel was obviously going to get rid of before meeting four guys’ families this week. To jog your memory: Adam was the man who brought a creepy stuffed human to the mansion on the first night. Matt was the construction worker with hair plugs. I miss neither of them.
(Also, shout out to Rodger Sherman at the Ringer, because thanks to his recap, I know what happened last week.)
Let’s do this.
BALTIMORE, MD, WITH ERIC
Eric is from Baltimore, so it’s off to the City of Lights (as they call it) we go. Rachel shows up, they sit on a bench, and she puts her legs over his. Eric is wildly distracted by this physical contact. She asks him what he has planned for them and he’s like, “uh, I thought we could, see, the, uh, city, if you wanted, to, I’m from here” in that halting and unfocused way men speak when they’re trying to think with their brains and not their you-know-whats.
Eric takes Rachel to a basketball court, where he tells her that the men in his life were involved in the streets, and growing up watching them, he vowed he never would be. He was a straight-A student who was always there for his friends. Speaking of friends, his friend Ralph shows up and says Eric is great (good friend!). He also says that Eric has never brought a woman home to meet his family.
You can see Rachel visibly freak out. Her body language changes as the wheels start spinning and she’s like …. “What have I gotten myself into with this relationship noob?”
Rachel is very, very nervous to meet Eric’s family. But when she gets into the house, Eric’s gathered parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings cheer for her. She relaxes immediately.
These people rule. Eric’s Aunt Verna sits Rachel down and she’s like (I’m paraphrasing here), “Man, it must be tough being the first black Bachelorette.”
Rachel looks at her as though she’s been waiting to hear this for months, because she probably has. She’s like (I’m paraphrasing again), “Yeah, Verna, it’s been really goddamn hard!!!!!”
What she actually says is, “It’s a lot of pressure, because you’re being judged by two different groups: black people and everybody else. I don’t think people realize that. Having to worry about what an entire group of people think about your choices.”
Eric is talking to his mom, and they’re both serving up a dish that I like to call Bachelorette Word Salad, where they say things like “overwhelming love” and “I’ve been running from love my whole life,” and all the things you’re supposed to say to convince America that you are Serious About This!!!!!
Eric tells Rachel he loves her. I like Eric. He’s sweet, he’s straightforward, and he’s clearly very into this woman. But he doesn’t say, “I’m in love with you,” so in the limo when she leaves his family’s house, Rachel’s like, “I’m skeptical.”
This show is wack.
BIENVENIDOS A MIAMI, WITH BRYAN
Bryan is from Miami, otherwise known as the Windy City, so that’s where we are. Rachel runs up to meet Bryan, who I find smarmy, underneath a canopy of palm trees. It’s immediately apparent that she is more into the idea of being physical with him than she is with Eric. They make out a ton and she says, “Hey baby!”
Before we go any further, we need to talk about Bryan’s horrendous clothes. His polo shirt is ombre, sliding from pinkish red to slate gray, and he’s wearing a gray V-neck underneath it. But the worst part is that the gray of his shirt perfectly matches the gray of his pants, so his pants appear to be an extension of his top, and the whole thing ends up looking like some hideous jumpsuit. Look at this:
They play dominos and go dancing before they meet Bryan’s family. We get a hint of trouble when Bryan’s like, oh, so the reason my last relationship ended is because she and my mom hated each other. We are primed for a Controlling Evil Monster Mom, which is a Bachelor/Bachelorette trope.
We meet Controlling Mom at her Miami home. She raises her drink and toasts her son, calling Bryan the most special thing she has in her life. She then drinks an entire glass of wine while her eyes widen and she looks as terrifying as any potential mother-in-law could. I’m laughing, because you just know that two producers looked at each other as she did this and high-fived.
“Bryan is very close to us,” Bryan’s mom says to Rachel. “Bryan is my life. But I just want to give you a warning. You are marrying the family too.”
“Yeah, I want that,” Rachel says.
And Controlling Mom is like: “If a woman wants to take a husband for her family she can do it. Some women want only for himself. If he’s happy, I’m happy. If not, I’ll kill you.”
If not, I’ll kill you.
Rachel’s like hahahahaha. But I’m like, yo, watch your back, Rachel. I think this woman is serious.
But then, weirdly, Controlling Mom does a 180 and becomes really kind. She says, look, it was a pleasure to meet you. You’re a good person; love is the most important thing.
Then Not-So-Controlling Mom starts crying, and Rachel starts crying, and the problem is that I am crying. This is extremely embarrassing for me to admit, but I cannot lie to you: I am moved by the conversation these women are having about true love. No amount of snark can protect me from my emotions as I wipe away my tears, a few of which fall into the mostly empty container of hummus in my lap as I sit alone on my couch.
Bryan says, “Rachel, I’m in love with you.” Rachel kind of moans, and then they make out, and I thought Peter was going to win this whole time, but Bryan is really giving him a run for his money.
MADISON, WIS., WITH PETER
We are now in Madison, Wis., otherwise known as Sin City. Peter lives here, so he takes Rachel to this big-ass farmer’s market that’s in the city square every Saturday. Fun fact: I have been to this farmer’s market before, and there's this one stall that sells the best cheese-y bread in the entire world. Another fun fact: I was in Wisconsin a few years ago when I worked at a cooking magazine, and my phone had a thin film of meat and cheese grease on it the whole time. It got so bad, the touch screen momentarily stopped working. I wish I were kidding.
Rachel meets some of Peter’s friend at a bar. There are two black men and two white women, and Peter’s like, “I told Rachel when we first met that eight out of my 10 best friends are black.” DUDE, ARE YOU REALLY PULLING A “I HAVE BLACK FRIENDS”?!?!?!?
His friends are like, hey man, you show her your Black Friend Card? They're also like, look, Pete’s an accepting dude. But I’m like, if you treat being friends with people of different races as though it makes you a goddamn saint in 2017, you’re doing it wrong.
Anyway. The rest of the hometown date is devoted to Peter’s “holding back,” and his reluctance to “let his walls down.” His family and Rachel get along, and you can practically see her ovulate when he’s holding his sister’s daughter. But then his mom tells Rachel she isn’t sure he’ll be able to propose to her, and Rachel seems pretty crushed. She’s like, “I don’t want a boyfriend at the end of this.”
I get that she really wants to lock this thing up, but I’m also over here thinking … why does what the person is called matter? I don’t know. To me, the ideal situation for this show would be to end up with a boyfriend so you can see if you guys are compatible in the real world, as opposed to Fake Reality Land, before he gets down on one knee. (The woman never proposes because the patriarchy is oppressive and must be dismantled.)
But Rachel wants a husband, and I can tell that this will be the main storyline for the rest of her and Peter’s relationship. Until the producers reveal it was all a pump-fake and they’re actually engaged.
Peter doesn’t say, I love you, and he’s like, “Shit, I blew it.”
ASPEN, COLO., WITH DEAN
We’re in Aspen Colo., otherwise known as The Big Easy. Dean is from here, and he spends the entire first part of the date freaking out about seeing his family because they all haven’t been under the same roof in eight years. His mom died when he was 15 (he’s 26 now), and his dad kind of went AWOL afterward and then converted to Sikh faith.
I’m like … are you sure national television is the place you want to do this?
But Rachel is like, why haven’t you talked to your dad in two years? And Dean is like, “Is it my responsibility to talk to my dad? To make sure there’s a relationship?”
I kind of wish Rachel would drop it, but she keeps pushing Dean on why he hasn’t worked harder to have a relationship with his family. BREAKING: Not everyone wants a relationship with their family, and not having one is sometimes way healthier than forcing something painful.
Dean keeps saying he’s terrified as they walk up to the door, and I’m uncomfortable at how morally bankrupt it feels to use this young guy’s family strife for TV ratings (not that this franchise is some bastion of virtue). This feeling continues through the entire date. Everyone manages to have an OK time until everything goes to shit when Dean and his father speak to each other alone.
They get into an argument about how Dean’s father wasn’t there for Dean and about how hard it was for both of them when Dean’s mother died. They both clearly loved her deeply. Dean’s dad keeps turning the conversation around on Dean and can’t take any criticism. He’s being pretty cruel as he refuses to accept that he’s hurt his son. But he’s also definitely deeply damaged by the loss of his first wife, so, I don’t know.
I just hate this whole thing and wish they’d stop filming it.
But I guess it’s what you sign up for when you make it this far on this show. It just feels really manipulative, exploitative, and shitty to make a person bring his estranged family together in front of millions of people because it’s “what you sign up for.”
Rachel finds Dean lying on the floor after he talks to his dad. He’s a total wreck and tells her he’s falling in love with her. She says she’s falling in love with him, too. This feels like a big mistake on her part.
Note: Dean recently posted this:
ROSE CEREMONY, WITH EVERYONE
Saying she’s falling in love with Dean is a big mistake on Rachel’s part because she ends up sending Dean home. I get it, I guess — he’s young, and his family is clearly not the ideal cookie cutter that she’s looking for, given that she keeps talking about how her parents have been married 37 years.
But Dean is like, uh, why’d you tell me you were falling in love with me if you’re sending me home? And Rachel says she is falling in love with him. And he’s like, then, wait, what!? But you got rid of me?! And she says she just felt like he couldn’t give her what she needs. Which sounds like a lot of B.S. to me.
In the limo on the way home, Dean is like, “she made a mistake.” It’s interesting to me that in the limos when a dude gets sent home on The Bachelorette, he’s often like, “She just made the most wrong decision of her life!” But when it’s a woman on The Bachelor, her reaction is usually, “No one will ever love me; I’m not good enough for anyone; this is a direct reflection of my character.”
Even though it’s really just a direct reflection of some strange and kind of awful Stockholm Syndrome version of love. This is how society conditions us. AGAIN, WITH THE GODDAMN PATRIARCHY!
Anyway, next week the guys meet Rachel’s family. Things don’t seem to go that well for Bryan in the previews, and there are a lot of teasers devoted to Peter’s “walls,” which makes me sure that they are red herrings and that Peter wins, as I originally predicted.